Once upon a time, Fantasy Flight Games decided to harness the power of procedurally generated names and game decks for a good cause. And thus, Keyforge: Call of the Archons was born. There were some hiccups along the way, with cards escaping into the public with names like Titanflayer, The Farmer of Racism and Wang the Suddenly Bruised, but for the most part, the hilarious deck names will not be added to the recall pile. We are aware that the monstrously inappropriately named ones are the ones that have gotten the most notoriety on the internet, and for good, hilarious reason, but we thought we’d shine a spotlight on some of the other, just as funny Keyforge card names. And so, we present to you the cast of a tale of fantasy.
Sweetiedazzle, the Barber Ripper – Escaped convict from the My Little Pony universe
The Stablehand that Vaporizes Owls – My mother was killed by an owl! And I won’t rest until they are all dead!
The Builder that Persecutes Jealousy – I imagine this is the nemesis to the Farmer of Racism
Granite the Striped – Taking pet rocks to a whole new level.
The Droid that Coughs on Demographics – Ah, is this the name of Google’s new bot?
Supposedly Well-read Schuyler – aka every frat boy you’ve ever met who’s tried to impress a smart girl.
Ghostdancer, the Smuggler of Spiders – This sounds really cool. But stop and question why there is a need for spider smuggling, and be terrified.
The Thing that Exploits Linguistics – Lawyer. They mean lawyer.
Peters the Silently Helter-Skelter – As opposed to the verbally helter skelter.
Discosaber, the Elder of the Outlands – Taking some cues from Lady Gaga now?
The Strongly Fidgeting Cultist of Kining – Probably his conscience taking a toll on him.
Tavish, Museum Impersonator – I’d like to imagine it also says this on his nametag.
Peacock the Arrogantly Outstanding – I mean, aren’t all peacocks?
The Card that Scarcely Cries Over Screens – Scarcely crying is still some crying.
Mudcred, the Unavailable Sewers Officer – Does this mean the sewers are unavailable or he is?
The Animal that Lies about Squids – But what exactly are the lies? Does the animal spread nasty rumors about their personal lives or is it more of lying that they even exist? Are Squids the equivalent of Santa Clause in Keyforge?
Piotr, Murdercamp Maker – Murdercamp sounds like what would happen if Hitler decided to run a summer camp for small children.
Until-Recently Heroic Blaise – Sounds like what you’d diplomatically call Benedict Arnold after the American Revolution.
Ira, Pub Caller – Now that sounds like a fun job!
Lady “Sausage-Grinder” Falcone – Yeeg.
Malentie, the “Protector” of Orcas – I find these quotations suspicious.
Xyvea, Childlike Asteroid Manipulator – That’s probably how the dinosaurs died.
Katriel, Descending Town Eater – Not many know, but this was Galactus’ early stage name.
Scammer Omiata – It usually gives the game away if people know you’re a scammer.
The Champion that Owns Love – How much do you reckon they charge to rent it hourly?
The Effectively Benign Deejay of Autolab – Does that mean their music won’t piss anyone off?
Wintervalor, the Spelunker of the Vents – Really this is included because spelunker is always a hilarious word.
Well-travelled “No Shade” Quasimodo – So that’s what happened to him after the Disney movie ended.
Quirkily Focused Wolfgang – Are we sure this isn’t just Mozart’s reincarnation?
Fraujaz Mheelhball, the Thirsty Duchess – I’m just… gonna leave this one right here.
Glammad, Zippy Whirlpool Rioter – He sounds like fun at a party.
Redd the Intermittently Dastardly – Being dastardly is just a part-time gig while he pays off student loan debts.
Vonn the Unavailable – Like permanently unavailable or only intermittently?
Boss “Smartypants” Kron – One assumes he got that nickname before he was the boss.
Slowly Exalted Wacko – That’s spelled “Wakko” actually.
Curry the Vaguely Cold – That just sounds nasty.
One that Blindingly Apportions Orphans – We should probably send someone to go save those poor orphans.
The Beast that Swiftly Punches at Hygiene – Ah yes, I went to high school with the beast.
The Awkward Brain Architect of Edgesoom – Awkward or not is irrelevant, is he a GOOD brain architect is the real question here.
Xe that Factually Yawns at Shapes – I’m not sure how to yawn factually, but that sounds like something a math professor would do.
The Simply Wimpy Diviner of Thronepad – The “simply” is how you know he’s simply given up on trying to be anything else in his life.
The Succubus that Magnetizes Slate – I assume that’s… an effective business technique for her?
Turbo, Den Philosopher – Turbo. That’s what you want your local philosopher to be named.
Violently Occult Florenz – What’s he gonna do, chuck a Ouija board at your head?
Artistic “Parasite” Paine – So basically he’s a hipster?
Glowdast, the Symbiote Confidant – She’ll be appearing in the Venom sequel then, yeah?
Ultmore, Thief of the Shifty Estuary – I mean, if you’re gonna call a place “Shifty Estuary” I’m not sure what sort of populace you expect to attract.
Mentor M. Pendragón – Hmmm. Merlin’s pseudonyms are getting a little weak.
Belineeves, the Ravenous Manse Nurse – I do believe we have a character who escaped from Cultist Simulator here.
Racing “Swag in the Bag” Mashda – What do you have to do for people to call you “Swag in the Bag” when your name is already Racing?
Sapphire the Rapidly Fast – As opposed to the snailishly-paced fast.
Audograp, Stadium Tormentor – Football lad! Get ‘im boys!
Ruthlessly Aggravating Geirsteinn – So is it like, intentional?
Bargrove, He who Cools the School – They named the air conditioner?
Hammerera, the Desperado Birdkeeper – Wouldn’t have thought there’d be this much call for Desperados who work with birds, but astonishment abounds.
The King that Curses Celebrity – Might be in the wrong line of work there, buddy.
The Acceptable Messenger – We’re sorry, the best and good messengers were detained on business, he’ll have to do. Be thankful we didn’t send The Poorly Received Messenger.
We hope you’ve enjoyed our selections, thanks for sticking with us? What are some of your favorite Keyforge card names? Let us know in the comments below!