Friends, Raptors, countrymen, lend me your eyes. The roster announcements are coming to an end soon, and I feel like we’ve gone on a journey together, a journey of complete nonsense. Whispers of the fabled PC version popped up again with a PC listing for WWE 2K16 appearing on Amazon.de (Deutschland). A few months ago a PC version also temporarily showed up on 2K’s own website and was promptly removed. Is this a series of mistakes, or clues leading to One-eyed Willy’s treasure? Yes those are your only two choices.
Billy Gunn – Member of the late 90s D-Generation X, one of the most well-known groups in professional wrestling. Some of his fellows are on this list too, though Road Dogg is curiously absent.
Bret “Hitman” Hart – The way Hart’s WWE career ended tends to overshadow any conversation about him, which is a shame because he’s been part of some of the most engaging matches WWE has ever produced. Bret Hart and Stone Cold’s clash at Wrestlemania 13 is just such a match, a masterpiece in storytelling where both participants switch roles and play the crowd like a fiddle.
British Bulldog – Haven’t seen the British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith around for a few years in any official WWE games, good to have him back.
Cactus Jack – Hardcore legend Mick Foley can openly swap between gimmicks on the fly, one of which is unpredictable sadist Cactus Jack. In wrestling, a guy can literally rip open his shirt to change character on the spot while his enemy stares in horror like Clark Kent took his glasses off. All of Foley’s incarnations are listed so WWE 2K16 all-Foley matches are a beautiful reality.
Christian – The Robin to Edge’s Batman. Superheroes on the brain today.
Damien Sandow – Curtis Axel’s tag team partner, the pair impersonated Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage before the comedic act was suddenly dropped for not so mysterious reasons.
D’Lo Brown – Had a brief WWE run in 2008 but hasn’t regularly been seen since the ’90s and early 2000s. D’Lo Brown is practically the Bigfoot of wrestling games. Aside from community content, his last official appearance was supposedly during the PS1 era.
Dude Love – Another of Mick Foley’s personalities, the Dude was a free loving hippy who practiced witchcraft. At least, that’s the only plausible explanation for why I’m not able to replicate the knee criss-cross dance.
Farooq – We mentioned Farooq when his former tag team partner Bradshaw was announced, though before that association he led a group of pro-black wrestlers called The Nation of Domination. D’Lo Brown, Mark Henry, Kama, and even The Rock were all members.
Haku – Another rare wrestler, Haku’s last official appearance was back on the original Xbox. Now the gaming industry finally has the technology to render this man’s hair.
The Honky Tonk Man – Showed up for WWE 2K15, might as well keep him.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts – Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes? Roberts was said to have invented the DDT, which became an exciting finisher that could be pulled out at any time, and he would walk to ringside holding a snake in a bag. Much like Goldust’s matches, being incapacitated while facing Roberts offered the prospect of something worse than mere defeat. Once Roberts tied up Randy Savage in the ropes and released a cobra that went to town on Savage’s arm, prompting kids in the crowd to bawl their eyes out. God help me I love it.
Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart – Best known for his tag team with Bret Hart called The Hart Foundation, the stocky Neirdhart was like a squat Warhammer dwarf come to life. His nickname comes from entering and winning an anvil toss competition. That’s a thing. They toss anvils.
Kama Mustafa – Otherwise known as Papa Shango and the Godfather. It’s tempting to point out that both those other personas the wrestler played were vastly more popular and assume Kama was only picked because it’s the least controversial. However, Kama was a part of the Nation of Domination, a group that feuded with Stone Cold, and Stone Cold’s career features predominantly on WWE 2K16’s historical story mode. So far it looks like they’ve gone all out for Stone Cold, even bringing back commentator Jim Ross, the passionate voice who helped evangelize his character.
Ken Shamrock – A UFC champion and Brock Lesnar prototype.
Mankind – The third and final of Mick Foley’s personalities. Mankind was a tormented, yet loveable guy whose sock puppet act blew Tim Schafer’s out of the water.
Paul Wight – That’s the Big Show. He first wrestled under his real name Paul Wight back in 1999, where he was a part of The Corporation, a group headed by the McMahon family. Paul Wight debuted in a match with Stone Cold so he most certainly has a part in that story.
Rikishi – Father of the Usos, brother of Umaga. Rikishi had great athleticism for a man of his size and a lot of fan support. He never quite got the push he deserved, maybe due to injury, the high quality of WWE talent for the time, or old fashioned bad luck.
Shane McMahon – The cocky young son of Vince McMahon, Shane-O Mac has committed to moves no sane wrestler would perform and was pretty handy on the microphone too.
Shawn Michaels – What’s a WWE game without Shawn Michaels? A WWE game without Shawn Michaels. Duh.
Vader – At around 450 pounds, Vader’s moonsault could flatten a small car, or any unfortunate soul unlucky enough to be underneath him at the time.
Vince McMahon – The head cheese. Vince is Stone Cold’s arch nemesis, a rich boss who hates the beer-chugging foul-mouthed Texas redneck and is willing to do anything to keep the belt out of his hands.
X-Pac – Another member of the late 90s D-Generation X. Now we’re waiting for Road Dogg and Chyna.
What a list, eh? Pure 90s nostalgia right there.