Borderlands 3, or the highly anticipated sequel to Battleborn, is getting its release pushed back to an indeterminate date. While originally slated for a mid-September launch, the game ran into some speedbumps. This unfortunate news will undoubtedly be a huge blow to fans of the series who have longed for the return of their teenage years. On the other hand, developers of competing looter shooters breathed a collective sigh of relief. After all, they’re no longer in imminent danger of being unfavorably compared to a game series that features “wall sphincters” and “bonerfarts” as parts of the plot. For that matter, they're probably not too pleased at how a decade old game is still the standard of the genre.
KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can read more of them here.
In any case, part of the reason behind Borderlands 3’s delay may actually be some good news. In a rather blatant attempt to assert dominance, Gearbox is teaming up with Hello Game’s Chief Executive Procedural Generation Technology Manager Assistant to drastically increase the number of guns in the game. In previous Borderlands games, guns have randomly generated parts on them. As an example, you may find a gun that is functionally similar to the one in your hands. However, because it has a different scope or barrel it is technically considered a different gun. You may not even notice that two guns have different parts, but that's the beauty of Borderlands. As long as the two guns have slightly different names, players will always go for the thing that they think is better.
To build upon this feature and to make for better marketing, every gun in Borderlands 3 can spawn with more variable parts. There are supposedly no limits to this new gun generation system. If you thought that guns with legs was ridiculous, just wait until you find a gun with arms that are made of smaller guns. Or flying guns. Some guns have attachments like flashlights, laser sights, actual lasers, bayonets, steak knives, bayonets with scopes on them, tactical toasters, grenade launchers, shovel launchers, silencers, loudeners and so much more. There are even guns that are steam operated so that Gearbox can say that their game runs on Steam.
In less welcome news, it appears as though the original modern looter shooter is not immune to content problems. According to initial impressions, Borderlands 3 doesn’t have enough variety once you reach max level. It takes roughly 80 hours to reach that point per character, but that's beside the point. This appears to have been the main factor as to why the game is being delayed. “We listened to feedback from fans, did some internal testing, stiffed our voice actors (allegedly), analyzed our competitors, sold ourselves to EA so that everyone can blame them, and used a bit of common sense to figure out that people like variety in gameplay and loot,” said the Chief Public Relations Intern. “Until we can release a couple of DLCs that don’t actually fix the problem, we’re putting some dance emotes and hat microtransactions into the game to entertain you monkeys. What? Don’t act so surprised, all the cool developers do it.” In other news, people are pretending to be shocked that Borderlands 3 has microtransactions.
Interestingly enough, there was some serious debate at Gearbox as to whether or not they should’ve scrapped Borderlands 3 entirely to focus on a free to play battle royale. This hypothetical game would’ve taken place in the Borderlands universe, but it would have none of the elements that made the other Borderlands games successful. Skill trees would have been removed, since that's obviously way too complex for the target audience. None of your favorite characters would’ve made an appearance either, because who needs to spend money on writers when you can print money instead? And whatever plot developed in the previous games would be ignored for the sake of making fat stacks of dough. This concept appears to have been abandoned when a conceptually similar free to play battle royale was released earlier in the year.
Fortunately, this delay would likely ensure that Borderlands 3 will be the game that everyone expected it to be. Well, except for Europeans. Gearbox decided that it’s too much of a hassle to figure out how they can get random internet people to market their game for them by posting memes everywhere now that Article 13 exists. But for everyone else, the game should end up being pretty fun. Well, not if you’re boycotting the game because of the Epic launcher exclusivity period. That would just be hypocritical. But for the other 99% of people, the game should be the looter shooter that we were all hoping for.