With last week's release of Boyfriend Dungeon, the "shack-and-slash" dungeon crawler that allows your player character to romance several weapons that turn into humans (and one cat), we thought we’d turn the mic around and see what the TechRaptor staff would be if they were a Boyfriend Dungeon weapon.
Will Quick, Staff Writer
I think I would be a gauntlet. I try to be solid and dependable while also having the strength to protect people. I’d also prefer to be a weapon that isn’t made to draw blood. I’d want to disarm or knock out opponents with as few attacks as possible. I’d carry some weight while still offering a balanced combat experience that can go well with many close-range fighting styles. I think the closer you are to the person, the more effective you can be in battle, and a gauntlet does that since it needs to be worn rather than wielded. It can also be practical since you can still use your hand and there’s less chance of losing it or being disarmed.
Tyler Chancey, Staff Writer
What would I be? A wakizashi. It's a slightly shorter blade than a traditional katana and meant more for close-quarters combat. I remember training a lot with Japanese swords way back in my younger years, and I enjoyed the movements of swift and strong slashes. But I'm also a perfectionist, so I know that one single flaw in a slash and I can mess that blade up and leave myself helpless. It's something they don't show you a lot in samurai movies.
It sounds like a very "weeb" answer, but it's honestly the only blade I can think of that has so much of my personality attached to it. It's not a traditional katana because that was more of a status symbol than a weapon. But it's not a tanto because it has some combat applications. Plus, it was usually used by samurai to behead their opponents to bring back status and recognition.
It all fits. Now leave me to my tea ceremony.
Mary Gushie, Staff Writer
Our resident loud writer Mary Gushie would defiantly be a tessen/war fan. She’s pretty to look at but will cut someone if needed and has. Just like a fan, she can also be shady. Her hair color changes based on her mood like a mood ring, and she’s always looking for someone to test her latest spell on.
Likes: Dogs, Caffeine, Witchcraft
Dislikes: Fakes, Snow
Joseph Allen, Staff Writer
I’d be a bow. Probably a longbow. I’ve always wanted to learn archery, even though the cool kids these days are using those Olympic-standard compound bows with all kinds of bells and whistles. Old-school bows are simple, straightforward, and endlessly cool, especially when fictional archers are doing that rapid-fire thing that’s probably completely impossible in real life.
Personality-wise, I think being in a job like this requires you to find just the right combination of words to pierce through the noise and strike at the heart of whatever you’re writing about, so that works well. Like bows, I’m hopelessly outdated and obsolete, but I favor technical skill and speed above brute strength and muscle. I also value my personal space and don’t really like people getting close, so a warning shot from a coated arrow feels like the perfect way to communicate that. As an acquaintance, I work best at long range.
Austin Suther, Staff Writer
If I told you I’d be a hunga munga, you might ask what that even is. It is a real weapon, and it’s rather chaotic at that. The hunga munga has multiple points and different uses. You can use it for throwing, close combat, slicing, or jabbing. In other words, it’s a versatile weapon. I’d like to think that, like the hunga munga, I am versatile and can be used in all situations. Not in combat, of course, but in real life!
As a games journalist, I try to keep my tastes all across the spectrum, from the most obscure roguelikes to the most mainstream first-person shooters. Okay, I’ll be honest, I just like the hunga munga. But I feel like this narrative describes both the weapon and my capabilities, so it works!
Courtney Ehrenhofler, Staff Writer
This was actually a tough choice for me, but I would have to go with a butterfly sword. They’re unusual swords, each is custom made and they fit a variety of fighting styles. They’re usually paired and do have quite a history of being used in stealth combat – don’t let them see you coming and get wrecked by something as pretty as a butterfly. I love the element of surprise, and while I tend to favor melee combat in games, I know I would have to use stealth to take down someone in real life, and I’m a terrible shot with long-range weapons.
Plus, butterfly swords are wide enough that you could use them as plates for snacks when you’re not stabbing people with them.
Riley Constantine, Staff Writer
I’d be a potato cannon. Firstly, it’s a mischievous device used by folks who like to tinker with gadgets and break a few rules (which is cool). Secondly, it’s exciting and gathers a crowd at group gatherings. And thirdly, it involves potatoes. Everyone loved potatoes! They’re great fried, baked, twice baked, or stuffed down the explosive wide barrel of a potato gun.
Don Parsons, News Editor
I'd probably be a large spiked shield — maybe a spiked pavise or kite shield with spikes on it. (or... maybe a skjoldr with spikes on it ‘cause that's big and round?)
Why? I'm slow, a bit lumbering, large, and defensive, but can get prickly when provoked or when defending those who I feel need my help. I put myself in the middle of disputes, often taking the brunt of the blows, deflecting them away, and I often lack subtlety in my replies, although sometimes I am quite pointed. I want to be at the side, and always ready to rise to action, with a simple motion getting into action.
Sam Guglielmo, Reviews Editor
When I was asked what kind of weapon I'd be in Boyfriend Dungeon, I only really had one answer in mind. It's a megaphone. I want to be a megaphone. Before you tell me that's not a real weapon, shut up. In Final Fantasy VII, Cait Sith's weapon was a megaphone. Good enough for me. Plus, as they say in the song “Ludens” by Show Me The Horizon, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but soon the pain will pass. But names can dig so many graves you won't know where to stand."
So that's me. I am a megaphone. I will be used to scream hot takes across the Twitter. Your opponents will fall to the ground and cry, begging me to stop making hot takes. It will not happen. I will continue to use this power to scream that The Quiet Man is an underappreciated classic. What more could you ever want in a weapon-man?
What weapon would you be if you were in Boyfriend Dungeon? Let us know in the comments below!