Ranking the Hades Gods by Sexiness

Published: Sunday, September 20, 2020 - 11:00 | By: Cody Peterson
Release Date
September 17, 2020
Platforms
PC, Nintendo Switch
Monetization
Non-Cosmetic DLC, One Time Purchase
Purchase (Some links may be affiliated)
Epic Games Store Nintendo Store Steam
Who Do You Wanna Shack Up With?

What could be sexier than a God? Deities are nothing but raw power and strength, so it stands to reason that we lowly humans would be attracted to them. The issue here is that not all Gods are created equal, and this is extremely apparent to anyone who spends time with the game Hades. To help our readers sort out how they feel about all of these pretty (or ugly in some cases) mythological figures, we put together this simple ranking. Time to rank the sexiness of all the Gods in Hades!

Zeus

Hades Game Zeus
The Lord of the Skies is disgusting.

Maybe I just can’t get over how awful Zeus is in most mythological stories and adaptations, but this man is gross. He seems to do a lot to help out Zagreus in Hades, but I still want to run the other way every time Zeus appears. The king of the Gods belongs in the trash.

 
 

Chaos

Hades Game Chaos
What even is that around his neck???

This guy is honestly just gross and creepy. Every single time that Chaos appears in Hades, he just manages to skeeve me out. I'm not quite sure its the dead look in his eyes, the bored tone in his voice, or the string of corpses he wears around his neck. Yeah, it's the corpses.

Hades

Hades Game Hades
Cool beard! But you are still a bad person Hades.

The titular figure of our game has a little bit of a problem: He’s a massive jerk. Yes, Hades is muscular and has a very intimidating presence, but I can’t find anyone that treats his son so poorly attractive in the slightest. Be a better dad if you want to move up my list, Hades.

Charon

Hades Game Charon
I highly doubt that's grape flavored vape juice.

Charon seems like an OK dude, but his face is just absolutely horrific. There is nothing remotely sexy about that messed up mug he’s hiding under his hat. On top of that, whatever that smoke is coming out of his mouth is definitely poisonous, so you should probably stay away from that.

Ares

Hades Game Ares
The face of a true psychopath.

Ares is a really good-looking guy, but it's really hard to get past all of his bloodlust and fascination with war. Do you really wanna hook up with someone that is more preoccupied with thinking about death and destruction than you? I'm sure that's someone's thing, but it's definitely not mine.

Aphrodite

Hades Game Aphrodite
Nudity is fun and all, but this is just uninspired Aphrodite.

It may be controversial to rank the goddess of love this low on the list because of course her whole thing is to be sexy. She just lounges around completely naked all the time and doesn’t put any effort into being attractive though. Come on Aphrodite, you can do better than that! There is more to being sexy than just being naked, but perks to her for being that confident.

Artemis

Hades Game Artemis
I want to be Artemis' best friend.

This goddess is pretty, but it feels wrong to judge her one way or another on her beauty. Artemis is a strong badass woman who doesn’t need to be defined by her sexuality, and I for one absolutely love her for that. Despite how tiny she is, Artemis could probably murder every other God on this list. Side note: I have no idea what her hat is supposed to be, but I really want one.

Demeter

Hades Game Demeter
She may be the most regal woman I have ever seen.

Demeter is one of the few Gods who doesn’t look eternally young, but that is no reason to count her out on this list. She has an air of sophistication and beauty that older movie stars like Cate Blanchett or Meryl Streep exude. Rather than her wrinkles showing her age, they instead are a testament to her experience and wisdom. Her costume is also the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Hermes

Hades Game Hermes
When it comes down to it Hermes is just a good dude.

Hermes is a cute little guy. He may not be big and strong like a lot of the other Gods, but he's just a really good guy. Hermes seems to be friends with everyone he meets, even (according to the Codex) Charon, who is notoriously antisocial. He's the kind of guy that you would take home to meet your parents. Also, those calf muscles? Sublime.

 

Poseidon

Hades Game Poseidon
I would let Poseidon crush my head with those biceps.

With the exception of one, Poseidon is probably the most attractive of the Olympians. He’s just as strong as his two brothers, Hades and Zeus, but by far much kinder and more approachable. His massive arms could hold anyone comfortably, and I bet he smells just like the ocean after it rains. Poseidon exudes all the same strength and power that his brothers bring to the table, but without the gross baggage and dead-beat dad energy.

Thanatos

Hades Game Thanatos
Thanatos absolutely rocks that mid-2000s emo band singer look.

Broody and mysterious. He’s a pretty boy a lot like Zagreus, and has a lot of the same aesthetics. Sadly, there is only room for two cool pretty boys in my heart, and Thanatos just isn't as much fun as our protagonist.

Zagreus

Hades Game Zagreus
Zagreus is the best and sweetest of the Gods.

Zagreus is the star of the show, and he’s a very good boy. He’s confident, sarcastic, and extremely rebellious. Unlike his father this guy seems to really care about the welfare of those around him, which is very sexy of him. Zagreus is basically Heath Ledger’s character in 10 Things I Hate About You: A moody jerk on the surface who actually has a heart of gold. He’s also very pretty.

Nyx

Hades Game Nyx
She can and will disembowel you. I would let her.

A perfect gothic queen. This goddess is the literal personification of night, and her looks definitely show it. Her hair and makeup are absolutely flawless and she exudes radiant beauty, but she also seems the type that can and will kill you at the drop of a hat. In other words, Nyx is very hot.

 

Dionysus

Hades Game Dionysus
That is the most seductive pose I have ever seen in my life.

We all knew it was going to be Dionysus. How could it not be? This guy just exudes confidence and sexuality. All he ever does is get drunk and have crazy raging parties, so of course he is a lot of fun to be around. He probably isn't much for relationships, but if we are talking about one-night stands... it would probably be the greatest night of your life.


TechRaptor played Hades on the Nintendo Switch via a code provided by developer Supergiant Games. It is also available on Steam.


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Cody Peterson Profile
Staff Writer

Reviews Writer for TechRaptor. Spends the majority of his time playing video games that he has already beaten or ranting to whoever that will listen that Kingdom Hearts 2 is the best game ever made.