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Ever year, dozens of developers and publishers descend upon the Los Angeles Convention Center to show off their latest projects to thousands upon thousands of people at E3. While it would be significantly easier to just show a long slideshow or montage of video clips, it was almost unanimously decided that there has to be a human element to these presentations so that people can connect with the faces behind their favorite company. 

However, one publisher has bravely decided to go one step further with the formula that works for almost every other E3 presenter by prominently featuring what they consider to be actual “player-speak.” Promising “dialogue and gameplay that is so real that you will want to share it in a montage,” Ubisoft has just announced that they hired “an actual hardcore gamer” to write their Ghost Recon: Wildlands presentation script.

As proof of this, an unnamed Ubisoft representative has provided a sneak peek of the aforementioned Ghost Recon: Wildlands presentation script, to prove that they have indeed hired humans and not marketing robots to provide colorful commentary for their gameplay demos. In short, there is a very liberal usage of words like “tango,” “affirmative,” and “whoa.” There were also at least three puns revolving around being blown away, two allusions to working together with random people online to win, and 42 instances of the words “immersive,” “realistic,” “tactical,” and “cover.” It should also be noted that the presenter was encouraged to state that the gameplay being shown was just “a taste of things to come,” and that at no point should the presenter say that the final product may look noticeably different.

Of course, that’s not to say that Ubisoft’s previous E3 presentations weren’t authentic enough. After all, who could forget the end of The Division’s trailer from E3 2013 which featured the oft-spoken phrase “Whoa, whoa, whoa, it’s another group of players. Uh, brace for PvP.” Or the Rainbow 6: Siege presentation from E3 2014 featuring “That guy who takes the game way too seriously and insists that everyone uses mics and talk like actual soldiers while aiming like a blind person.” Not to mention the absolutely 100% accurate representation of gameplay and graphics.

“We just wanted to connect with our bro and gal players, and this year, I think we nailed it,” said the representative. “It’s going to be a great E3 my fellow gamers, and we look forward to providing a great experience for you and your buds.”

Anson Chan

Staff Writer

You ever wonder why we're here? It's one of life's greatest mysteries, isn't it? Good thing games exist so that we don't have to think about it. Or at least I don't have to think about it. Instead, I'll just play Halo or something.