Good news for those who’ve been stuck with an embarrassing PSN name from their younger days: Sony announced today that PlayStation Network users can now travel backwards in time to prevent themselves from ever picking that name—or taking Jesse to senior prom—to begin with.

The feature is available to all PSN users. Players need only start their PlayStation 4, then navigate to [Settings] > [Account Management] > [Account Information] > [Initiate Timeline Adjustment Sequence]. Once the timeline adjustment sequence has been initiated, players will be able to time travel as far back as November 2006, allowing them to swat the controller out of their younger self’s hands before they can set their PSN ID to CuriusB0ner420 or Cosby_Fan201. At their discretion, players may also use their time in the past to:

  • let Jennifer know how they truly felt about her
  • tell Coach Douglas to run the quarterback sneak instead
  • invest in Amazon

This new feature is not without its complications, however. In their blog post, Sony stated that not all games will be able to support changes made to the fabric of time. For players’ convenience, Sony has categorized all current PlayStation games into three lists based on how likely they are to still exist in an alternate timeline. The company warned that LittleBigPlanet 3, Fallout 76, and the Uncharted franchise are at a particularly high risk of vanishing into the endless void beyond time and space. Oddly enough, Sony has not identified a single reality in which PaRappa the Rapper Remastered did not come to fruition. Sony also advised that players looking to change their PSN name “please abstain from any activities that might create a time paradox, such as unintentionally killing your grandparents, intentionally killing your grandparents, becoming your own grandparent, or really just anything involving your grandparents.”

Players can get their first timeline change for free, while subsequent adjustments to the delicate tapestry of history will cost $9.99 ($4.99 for PlayStation Plus members).

KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can read more of them here. You can also read the original story on PSN name changes here

Jack Waibel

Jack Waibel is a husband, dungeon master, and lifelong gamer. He's tapped more land cards than modern science can measure and looks forward to the day he turns 10 and can begin his Pokemon journey.

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