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Gamers worldwide flocked to the new Nintendo Switch, which hit stores this past week, but one Japanese elementary school student has uncovered an unusual issue with the system cartridges. The problem stems from a feature of the cartridges that was uncovered by video game journalists. Early reviewers of the Switch and its premier title The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild decided to taste test the plastic game card and reported that they had a bitter taste. Reportedly, this was to prevent children from eating the cartridges which are slightly smaller than a standard 3DS game card. Despite this rampant coverage, though, one Japanese child muscled through the taste and managed to swallow his new Breath of the Wild game. Since then, witnesses have reported the child managed to punch through a steel wall at his school and caused a twenty car pile up when he jumped in front of a Prius.

A family doctor reported that the child also has exhibited extraordinary intelligence and can name all the features of the Nintendo Switch despite having never read about them. Prior to buying the system, his family says the young boy was very much like other children. “He wanted to play the new Zelda, just like all the other kids,” one family member told Japanese reporters. “Now all he does is talk about how the Nintendo Switch is the greatest console ever. We’ve since bought a new copy and played it, and it’s pretty good.”

Reports say the boy seems to be acquiring new abilities on a daily basis, and a team of experts has been compiled to study his progress. The group fears that he may eventually become too powerful to control; however, this is likely not an issue as his main goal seems to be talking about the incredible innovation of the Nintendo Switch. Nintendo has released a statement, explaining that the child may have bought a unique cartridge, which they had not intended to released. “Originally we were going to make the cartridges edible, for the player on the go who needs a quick snack,” an executive of Nintendo said at a conference on Thursday. “We wanted them to be more than just edible though, so we worked with our incredible team to make a ‘super food’ which can enhance human abilities ten-fold.” Cartridges were originally going to have their own individual benefits, with Breath of the Wild being the most powerful. We reported back in October that Nintendo had secured its supply of Nintendium for the Switch, which while Nintendo won’t confirm that is what the cartridges are made out of, we feel safe in reporting so. Scientists are still testing as to whether or not similar side effects occur in others when Nintendium is absorbed by the human body.

Nintendo says their formula was too unstable and powerful and resulted in a cancellation of the feature. However, many cartridges were already prepared for shipment when this change occurred, so Nintendo recycled them by adding a bitter taste and figuring no one would ever eat the cartridge. When asked why, in addition to his superhuman powers, the child seems to promote the Switch to everyone he meets, the executive claimed it was just a coincidence.

The boy is currently being held in a secret facility for testing but his siblings have promised to complete the game in his honor. His oldest brother says, “I know he really wanted to play it. It’s pretty good. The framerate is a little choppy though.” The sibling published his thoughts in a blog review, which was since removed by Nintendo for violating copyright. Scientists in charge of observing the superhuman child say he’s since began chanting for his brother’s death. Nintendo hopes to create an antidote to the boy’s condition before he develops power that could become too destructive. They also insist no one else eat the cartridges, as effects may vary. “Some of our test subjects just became worse at the game. That was part of our original concept to increase the difficulty of our games. Please do not eat the Switch cartridges. Nintendo is not responsible for accidental or purposeful ingestion.”


Kindra Pring

Staff Writer

Teacher's aid by day. Gamer by night. And by day, because I play my DS on my lunch break. Ask me about how bad my aim is.


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