It’s always tough to go to The Game Awards. You have to pick the right thing to wear, deal with three hours of watching Geoff Keighley remind people that he’s not related to Keira Knightley, and sometimes a robotic razor man steals your wife. Furthermore, there’s always the fear that losing means all copies of your game will be hunted down and destroyed in the Bonfire of Objectively Bad Video Games (or the BOBVG for short). It sure is a lot pressure for the small teams out there, but this wonderful tradition helps keeps our artistic medium pure and wonderful.

Take, for example, the case of Horizon: Zero Dawn, a game Tech Raptor writer Andrew Otton actually wrongly gave a 9/10 to. “It was my bad, really,” Otton said in an interview following the TGA. “Any game that is nominated for six awards and can’t manage to win a single one isn’t actually good. I’m really glad this existed.” We followed Otton to the BOBVG where he tossed his copy of Horizon in. As it landed in the fires it was consumed, the face of Aloy slowly being devoured by flames, impossible worlds of beauty and adventure being erased far quicker than they were created, leaving nothing but false memories of good times that weren’t really had. “I feel educated now,” Otton stated, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

We also had several games that had to come to a compromise. Nier: Automata is one such example. Only able to meek out the participation trophy of “best soundtrack,” copies of the game were to be tossed into BOBVG while the soundtrack could be preserved. An attempt was made to interview Yoko Taro about this, but upon entering his office all we could find was his mask on the floor, split in two. Attendees of the burning did note an odd occurrence where The Room director Tommy Wiseau was found at the scene, screaming “fuck the Oscars.” It is likely he is still upset over the unjust snubbing of The Room at the 2003 Academy Awards. Thankfully, the TGA will never be unfair like that, as only good games could ever win.

Of course, some people are just sore losers and aren’t taking the loss as well. One report noted that the custody battle between Reggie Fils-Aimé and Shigeru Miyamoto over both Link and Mario finally settled down today after Super Mario Odyssey failed to pull in anything other than Best Family Game while The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild won several awards, including Game of the Year. It’s reported that Reggie whispered “You’re no son of mine” into Mario’s ear before walking away with both Miyamoto and Link, the two deciding to rekindle their relationship for their beloved son. Mario was later found crying, with various members of the Nintendo family reminding him that he could have kept the family together if he had won any other award besides Best Family. Try harder next time Mario!

This has been a beautiful year for the TGA and the BOBVG. Between the cleansing of bad games from our artistic medium to the celebration of the only good ones, we have ensured that we may survive another year. Between the inability for gamers and Geoff to make a mistake and the yearly tradition of burning away all of our sinful gaming mistakes, we will make ourselves perfect. Glory to Geoff as he leads us into the new age.

Update: Shortly after this article was published we were contacted by NASA who informed us that actually Tommy Wiseau has been safely in their custody at the time of the BOBVG. They have urged that any who have witnessed this new individual please contact them immediately. They are worried he is trying to find A Way Out.

KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can find more of them here.

Samuel Guglielmo

Associate Review Editor

I'm Sam. Been playing video games since PlayStation. Favorite games include Ace Combat 5, Perfect Dark, Final Fantasy IX, Metro 2033, and MonsterBag. Also loves books and can be found face first in one all the time.

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