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In a move that surprised literally everyone, Electronic Arts has announced that they will be reexamining their approach to Star Wars Battlefront 2 based on the intense negative reception that the game received with an emphasis on “keeping the customers happy.” More specifically, EA plans on “overhauling the loot box system with an emphasis on cosmetics, modifying their community engagement/customer service policies to ensure better back and forth communications with the audience, and providing frequent, transparent updates based on feedback.” While such changes may do little to improve how gamers generally view the company, it is still a step in the right direction that some may argue is long overdue.

Of course, you may be wondering exactly what kind of changes will EA be making to Star Wars Battlefront 2’s loot boxes, as it would take a lot of willful ignorance and or incompetence of the highest magnitude for anyone to ignore all the grievances that people have with the current system while pretending that such a system will reward skill and provide a sense of accomplishment. The first proposed tweak will be to simply remove all the perks that you can get from loot boxes and allowing players to unlock the perks via a more traditional progression system. The second tweak will be to enable an in-game customization menu which will let you use credits to buy things like voice lines, armor recolors, emotes, and things of that nature. “There’s going to be so many different shades of blue that you can paint your armor that you’ll throw money at the screen in a rush to get them all,” Richard Pennybags, an EA spokesperson, said. “We know that you’ll do that because you all have terrible self control.”

Interestingly enough, EA’s policies on how they approach community engagement will also change primarily “for the sake of building trust.” That means that there will be no more completely out of touch and somewhat condescending statements like saying that implementing cosmetic items will violate the canon of Star Wars. Instead, “there will be complete transparency from now on,” said Mr. Pennybags. “We will tell you nothing but the truth, and the truth is that we just didn’t want to spend resources on creating cosmetic items.” But now that EA realizes that Blizzard makes a killing off of Overwatch’s Loot Boxes, “you will get so many Star Wars Battlefront 2 cosmetics that you can have a pink Darth Vader if you want, just give us your money and we’ll look the other way if the canon were to have an ‘unfortunate accident.'”

Battlefront 2 Droids

Artist’s rendition of EA launching a full scale invasion on your wallet.

The aforementioned policy shifts regarding community engagement and microtransaction strategy will allegedly also apply to other EA games. “We don’t want a repeat of what happened to Star Wars Battlefront 2 to happen to FIFA,” said Mr. Pennybags. “The sports crowd is so much easier to sell to as long as our intern remembers to create new box art for these games once a year.” Naturally, Mr. Pennybags tried to assure us that EA is not an evil company, nor is it a particularly greedy one depending on your point of view. “To our customers, we are actually a very good investment. Our stock is consistently going up, we have– wait, they’re called shareholders now? Since when? Oh, uh, anyways, pay to win microtransactions are now considered cosmetic items because they give the appearance of success. Please make people yell at Rockstar or Activision about their microtranasactions now, thank you.” EA declined to comment further on the situation when contacted the next day.

KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can find more of them here.

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Anson Chan

Staff Writer

You ever wonder why we're here? It's one of life's greatest mysteries, isn't it? Good thing games exist so that we don't have to think about it. Or at least I don't have to think about it. Instead, I'll just play Halo or something.


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