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If you weren’t a fan of The Division’s latest Falcon Lost Incursion and how tedious, frustrating, and boring it is to fight off waves of sentient, shotgun wielding sponges, then keep your chin up: Ubisoft and Massive are listening to your criticisms and adjusting their next Incursion update accordingly. “We listened to everything you had to say across all the social media platforms out there, and we admit, Falcon Lost just isn’t fun,” an unnamed Ubisoft developer said.

To that end, the next Incursion update will be tailored to be more in line with what people expected from The Division. Dubbed “Operation Bird References,” the newest Incursion is centered around the idea that a bunch of Rikers convicts somehow captured a Surface to Air Missile battery and got it operational, even though they likely haven’t had much training in anything other than how to make bottomless grenade pockets since they got out of prison. “There will be this great mystery that players will have to unravel about how the Rikers captured this advanced military technology,” said an anonymous Massive employee. “Was it an inside job, who knows?”

Concept art of what Central Park in The Division might look like; disregard the Battlefield logo

Concept art of what Central Park in The Division might look like—disregard the Battlefield logo.

You won’t have to worry about fighting inside a singular bland warehouse either. The next Incursion will take place on the southern end of Central Park, which has been ravaged by Cleaners, Rikers, and the Last Man Battalion as they fought for control over the last remaining hot dog stand. “No one liked fighting in the pit for Falcon Lost, so we took modern day Central Park and made it more dynamic,” said an unnamed Ubisoft developer. Rather than being the lush, green area that Central Park is now, the Central Park of The Division is twisted by warfare and completely barren. There will be no cover as all the trees have either been blown up or burned, and you will have to make your own cover. “That way, Mobile Cover has finally been given a legitimate use. Also, we nerfed Mobile Cover so that it has the shape, appearance, and durability of a wheel of cheese,” said the developer.

Speaking of new and revamped abilities, those of you who wanted to play as the traditional RPG tank who draws aggro will have a nice new surprise in the next update. A new ability, dubbed the “Tactical megaphone,” has been added to the game, and it does exactly what you would expect: your character brings out a megaphone and yells generic insults at all enemies, drawing the aggro of every NPC in the instance for 10 hours. In the Dark Zone, it simply marks your location on the map all the time. Also, keeping in line with traditional RPG roles, your character can only use their sidearm while operating the megaphone.

Needless to say, new abilities don’t mean anything without new weapons, so everyone will be getting a rocket launcher inventory slot as well. “We felt like this change will make for more dynamic approaches to combat,” said an anonymous weapon sandbox designer at Ubisoft. However, ammo for the rocket launcher is so scarce (for the sake of balance) that you can only obtain it from the corpses of named enemies in the PvE world, and even then, you will likely be better off mashing together 20 of each High-end crafting material to make one rocket.

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Introducing the upcoming boss of all of The Division’s future Incursions.

Ultimately, the hassle required to make the rockets might be worth it, because the penultimate boss of the new Rikers Incursion isn’t a bullet sponge, insta-kill APC. Instead, it will be two IFVs (Infantry Fighting Vehicles a la Battlefield 4), both of which are armed with automatic cannons, heavy machine guns, missiles, and all sorts of heavy armor to make it invulnerable to explosives and rockets. “You spoke, and we listened: the IFVs in the newest Incursion will not be stationary bullet sponges, but rather roving machines of death.”

With an expected release date of “sometime after everyone forgets about Falcon Lost,” this newest Incursion might be the content update that finally turns The Division into the ultra-realistically tactical, insta-death simulator that one can expect from a Tom Clancy title. “It’s going to be great,” an unnamed Quality Assurance team member said. “Just super duper awesome and fun and not frustrating and glitch free.”

“I will absolutely play it all the way through without exploits,” said a generic Twitch streamer that was absolutely not paid by Ubisoft. “And I think that I speak for the whole community, literally, when I say this content update will address every single problem we had with the game in a manner that we will all be 110% satisfied with, and the best part is, it only costs $5!”


Anson Chan

Staff Writer

You ever wonder why we're here? It's one of life's greatest mysteries, isn't it? Good thing games exist so that we don't have to think about it. Or at least I don't have to think about it. Instead, I'll just play Halo or something.