As with most modern games, Destiny 2 will feature a whole slew of post-launch content designed to keep players interested in the game and shoveling money into Activision’s coffers. Of course, the real question is when will this content arrive and in what form, and whether or not there will be some free events thrown into the mix much like how the first Destiny featured monthly Iron Banner events and eventually Sparrow Racing. To a lesser degree, there is also a question of whether or not Bungie learned from the feedback that they received from many of the original Destiny’s DLC, but that is neither here nor there.

In any case, Bungie has decided to release their internal tentative roadmap to give a rough sense of the direction that Destiny 2 will be heading in the coming years with its DLCs and major updates, offering a glimpse of what the developer has in mind for their audience, as outlined below.

“The Honeymoon Phase”

destiny 2 release date trailer cayde 6

“Gee willikers Cayde-6, I wonder what happened to everyone’s favorite character, Master Rahool?”


  • Destiny 2 initial release
  • Raid unlocked; monitor feedback to ensure maximum frustration with RNG and to eliminate “cheese” strats
  • Inaugural Queen’s Revenge PvE event- Lasts for one week with rewards that will be “adjusted” later on to ensure that the grind for gear is real
  • Inaugural Iron Banner PvP event- Lasts for one week with garbage-tier rewards and stupidly slow grinding process
  • Send out generic PR response about how existing microtransactions “support the game development team/servers/future microtransactions content”
  • Count money
  • Bask in praise from target audience, ignore all other criticisms


  • Destiny 2 Balance Pass 1- Nerf all automatic primary weapons into the ground due to one, singular Exotic weapon
  • Inaugural Halloween event- Introduce a lot of cosmetic microtransactions; no actual event of substance
  • Loot Update 1- Make common sense updates to loot system to give the appearance that time spent should equate to generally better gear
  • Raid Update 1- Make changes to Raid Boss targeting priority to throw a wrench into playerbase Raid strategies and Fireteam cohesion
  • No Iron Banner PvP or Queen’s Revenge PvE Events due to “fine-tuning”


  • Collect Salty Tears as audience starts to get bored and frustrated with arbitrary Raid limitations and lack of fresh content
  • Promote Destiny 2 DLC 1 as much as possible; get intern to dig through cutting room floor for DLC ideas


  • Destiny 2 first DLC release
  • Introduce arbitrary new resource to slow down player progression
  • Nerf Fusion Rifles because Jim from accounting was too good with them in internal tests
  • Nerf Fusion Rifles again
  • Christmas Event- Re-introduce Sparrow Racing even though it has nothing to do with Christmas; add dandruff to social areas

“The 5 Stages of Destiny Phase”

Destiny and Red Bull

If you missed out on this promotion during the original Destiny, don’t worry, energy drink companies will make sure that you can fulfill every gamer stereotype in Destiny 2 as well


  • Fix exploits in Destiny 2 DLC 1 Raid
  • Nerf Fusion Rifles once more for good measure
  • Pick random weapon class from Bungie Hat to make incredibly powerful in PvE


  • Promote Destiny 2 DLC 2 as a reset to fix all problems in Destiny 2; hire new voice actors and writers for cutscenes and characters who have meaningful dialogue


  • Destiny 2 DLC 2 release
  • Sow discord among audience with sooper-dooper Xtreme PvP event even though some weapons are clearly performing way too well in all situations


  • Buy company dart board to help make wild weapon balancing changes
  • Destiny 2 Balance Pass 2- Fix Fusion Rifles to get praise from audience, nerf everything else
  • Promote Destiny 2 “Expansion” as second hard reset to fix all existing problems in Destiny 2; get interns to apply “Superblack” textures to every enemy
  • Fire all other voice actors and replace them with Nolan North and Nathan Fillion


  • Destiny 2 “Expansion” Release
  • Introduce new microtransaction to “help” new players level up
  • Float around the idea of updating old content to match new level cap to audience; don’t actually do it and tease them with increased inventory capacity instead
  • Subtly blame consoles for holding back Destiny 2 even though someone spilled the beans about how it takes 30 hours to move a pebble using map editor
  • Discontinue support for Xbox and PC because Sony exclusive content must remain exclusive

“The ??? Phase”

Destiny 2

Remember to pre-order everything Destiny 2-related so that you too can (maybe) get your hands on a stupidly powerful weapon that everyone wanted because every PvE enemy is stupidly bullet-resistant


  • Introduce all sorts of microtransactions that are “meme-y” and follow “social media trends,” particularly dances and emotes
  • Do extensive PR control as Destiny 2 runs into the same exact problems that Destiny and The Division had due to inherit problems with game genre
  • Contemplate nerfing Fusion Rifles again
  • Profit???

As you can see from Bungie’s internal roadmap for Destiny 2, there are a lot of things in store for Destiny fans, especially those who pre-ordered the game and or gotten tattoos that are based on characters or themes from the game within the first month of the game’s initial release without a second thought. Needless to say, it will be an exciting time for many people, not just for those who play Destiny 2, as this will be Bungie’s chance at redemption.

Will Bungie rise from the ashes of the first Destiny and deliver a game that can garner widespread praise for its innovative, even revolutionary, features and mechanics, or will disappointment and the vindication of smug skeptics rain from the heavens for all eternity (so, roughly 6 months) as Destiny 2 crumbles from inside once more? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z This Week at Bungie!

KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can find more of them here.

Anson Chan

Staff Writer

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