For a game that prides itself on being inclusive and welcoming to all kinds of players of all kinds of backgrounds, it sure took a long time for Blizzard to finally add another animal to Overwatch. That’s right, Winston, everyone’s favorite peanut butter loving scientist, is no longer going to be the only animal Hero in the game. Hero 28, also known as Hammond (though Blizzard insists that we call him Wrecking Ball despite the fact that no one is ever going to actually call him Wrecking Ball) is a giant hamster who rides a proportionately large hamster wheel into battle, unleashing a barrage of bullets and bombs wherever he goes. If you find that you have a strange kinship with little rodents or jokes about Miley Cyrus, you too can now consider yourself welcome in Overwatch. 

In addition, the game received a bunch of other features, including a much requested LFG and Endorsement system, but no one really knows how the Endorsement system works anyways other than giving people a chance to farm XP, so we’re not going to talk about it. Normally, all these additions to a game like Overwatch would inspire a great amount of discussion about things like team composition theorycrafting and new strategies, but people have actually been pretty quiet in that regard lately. Instead, the game’s forums have been dominated by discussion and rumors about the 29th potential Overwatch Hero, the details of which were allegedly teased in the events surrounding Hammond’s release.

Apparently, speculation is running rampant that the 29th Hero will be of a more aquatic nature. According to code extracted from the latest PTR update, 29 will be a shark that can walk around on land thanks to some experiments made by Talon. While details about Hero 29’s abilities are predictably scarce, rumor has it that the Hero’s abilities revolve around deploying ramps and speed boost pads. Leaked emails from senior Blizzard employees indicated that this new Hero will truly “test the community’s faith in us” by making Overwatch’s scarce lore even more “interesting,” giving every past, present, and future Hero a chance to literally jump the shark.

In such a manner, “no one will ever be considered overpowered or underpowered because we can just make up whatever we want and people will buy it.” While such a statement seems preposterous, it does open the door for plenty of possibilities. Soldier: 76 getting power-creeped into uselessness? Now he has laser eyes from an eye surgery gone wrong and an experimental leather jacket that gives his Ultimate ability the capability to cause every jukebox on the map to switch to a song of his choosing. Hate how Zenyatta has almost no backstory? Well now he’s actually the head of Talon, and there’s a Buddhist cricket living inside his head that keeps his murderous side in check when he’s in public. Curious about what Hero 30 will be like? One thing is for sure, it won’t be a cat with a jetpack because that would be too ridiculous and not ridiculous enough for the world of Overwatch.

Blizzard and Jeff Kaplan declined to comment.

KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can read more of them here.

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Anson Chan

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