On September 7th, 2016, the world was changed forever thanks to one company’s courage and bravery. On that date, Apple unveiled their new iPhone 7 design and detailed all of its new features, which will undoubtedly change society for eons to come. According to Phil Schiller, Apple’s Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing, Apple was the only company that was courageous enough to do away with the oppressive 3.5 mm headphone jack with their new design, freeing people around the world from the horrors of having a tiny hole in their electronic device of choice.

AirPods: For when you want to look like you have an ear piercing, but you don't actaully want to have an ear piercing

AirPods: For when you want to look like you have a hip new earring but without the earring

Following this announcement, Apple’s senior staff has stated that they have since received “literally dozens” of iMessages praising them for their courage. Furthermore, a company spokesperson has announced that they have just been awarded the Medal of Courage for their courageous presentation, most notably for its iPhone 7 design and the accompanying AirPods. The citation for the Medal of Courage reads thusly:

For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of its financial well being above and beyond the call of duty: Apple distinguished itself by acts of gallantry and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty during a keynote event on 7 September 2016. That afternoon, the company announced to the world that it would not incorporate the 3.5 mm headphone jack that is virtually standard across every modern phone, tablet, laptop, and more on its iPhone 7. In a selfless act of courage, Apple will instead give people a chance to buy $160 wireless Bluetooth earbuds that will only last for 5 hours, saving untold millions from the minor inconvenience of having to untangle wires by replacing it with the major inconvenience of having to recharge something that will undoubtedly be easy to lose. By its ingenuity, courage, and bravery in the face of almost certain Internet mockery, Apple gallantly gave both middle aged people who are insecure about their own self image and teenagers who must have the newest, most expensive brand name item on the market a new way to spend copious amounts of money, thereby reflecting great credit upon itself and every company whose marketing targets the gullible.

“We humbly accept the Medal of Courage,” stated an Apple spokesperson who may or may not be their Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing, Phil Schiller. “To commemorate this momentous occasion, we will engrave an image of the Medal onto special, limited edition iPhone 7s and AirPods (which will only be available in a bundle) for the low and affordable price of $1500.”

Apple Watch Series 2: For all the ways you work out or sit around and play games all day

Apple Watch Series 2: For all the ways you work out or sit around and play games all day

When asked about the nearly spontaneous wave of Internet mockery that was directed at Apple when the word “courage” was used to describe their upcoming products, the spokesperson said, “Look, it takes guts to change the world one 3.5 mm headphone jack at a time.” The spokesman continued by stating, “Like Mr. Donald Trump, we here at Apple believe that a word that is usually used to describe those who save lives or protest injustice at great risk to themselves can also be used to describe those who make a lot of money at little to no risk to their physical well-being, because that’s what courage is: going against what everyone else thinks.” 

In response to some very keen-eyed individuals who asked why the Medal of Courage happened to have the same name as an Israeli military decoration, where the Medal came from, or why it had the Apple logo on it, the spokesperson said, “It doesn’t matter where the Medal came from or why it seems like the name comes from something that can be looked up in five seconds on a search engine. The only thing that matters is that with the power of both iWork and the new Apple Watch Series 2, you too can make a presentation where you pat yourself on the back for inventing things that pretty much already exist.”

Anson Chan

Staff Writer

You ever wonder why we're here? It's one of life's greatest mysteries, isn't it?

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