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Disclaimer: Welcome to GameAcide. Here we take everyone’s favorite and most hyped games and tear them down. What follows is a comical examination of the game depicted. Liberal doses of sarcasm, satire, exaggeration, and  a pinch of toilet-humor have been employed.

So, Dragon Age: Inquisition won Game of the Year in the all-so-prestigious Video Game Awards recently. How could it not? I mean, it was a AAA Bioware/EA title. Oh the depth, oh the diversity! Truly, you know that gay-rights are totally no longer a problem when Dragon Age Inquisition seems to have more gay and bi characters than black ones. Such a pity they forgot to add a black-bisexual! But I’ll forgive them, ’cause honestly, Bioware knows what’s important to me. They know that above all else, I’m just not going to be happy unless I can have sex with a giant male Qunari. Come on, the horns alone make that just too tempting, and quit looking at me like that… I can share.

ironbull

Who doesn’t want to ride the bull?

While we’re unzipping our Bioware holiday treats, let us not be heathens. Dragon Age: Inquisition has so much more to offer us than naughty delights. Indeed, she has a great personality too! It’s not all about looks and horns… horns…mmm. Anyhow, if you want to know how this latest installment of Fantasy Commander Shepherd feels, all you have to do is ask. She’ll tell you… Oh God she’ll tell you.

In fact, if you ever want to tap Josephine’s fine booty, you’ll first have to ask all about her encyclopedic knowledge of Orlesian politics and business practices. But come on, it’s because you really wanted to know right? Not because those bedazzling golden shoulder-pads are somehow hypnotic. It’s not that she’s high-maintenance, it’s just that she needs you to rescue her family’s failing business and clear her tarnished name. I mean usually, to get a little companionship it just takes a back-rub in a dimly lit bar and an invitation to “watch a movie” at my place, but I guess saving someone from generations of bad decisions and legions of angry nobles is totally cool too.

warcouncil3

Ah well, let’s forget for a moment that most of the main character’s dialogue options consist of asking other people about their lives. I suppose such behavior is fitting of someone titled “The Inquisitor.”  We can instead focus on graphics. My my, it really is a beautiful game, so detailed, so colorful. Bioware even saw fit to bless us with magical armor and clothing that, thanks to some unknown enchantment, is able to completely ignore the laws of physics.

Watch in amazement as your chin and neck pass effortlessly through your collar in cut-scenes! While shields are obviously very effective at deflecting arrows and causing one’s self to move needlessly slow, Dragon Age: Inquisition showcases their little-known ability to allow your own legs and weapons to pass right through them! No, this couldn’t be the manifestation of some lazy programming — it is all too clear that this is an artful effort to depict just how magical the world of Dragon Age is.

Oh the magic! Yer really going to be feeling it after you’ve painstakingly harvested your 312th Blood Lotus! Lord knows why this is the only ingredient used for crafting a jar of bees, but it is. Yup, by the time you are turning your nose up at other more provocative sounding harvestables, such as Serpent’s Stone and Paragon’s Luster — a patch of Blood-Lotus will still send you greedily to your knees like a fat kid who just witnessed the final blow to a pinata. Seriously, if the world of Dragon Age was ever to experience a shortage of Blood-Lotus, civilization would come to a screeching halt. It is doubtful that The Inquisitor could even make Kool-Aid without it.

OMG Blood Lotus Commemorative Keychains are a real thing!

OMG Blood Lotus Keychains are a real thing!

The folks at Bioware know that gamers really appreciate quality voice acting, so they’ve provided over 9000 hours of it! Rest assured that if your Inquisitor so much as takes a dump, Varick will have something to say about it. Yeah, you may have to badger him with 20 questions you’ve already asked just to get to that singular line of new dialog, but this is what the folks at Bioware like to refer to as “interactive.” A total noob might ask, Why not just spread some of this dialog out between exciting quests and battle? To which I reply: Because dummy, then there wouldn’t be a need to spend three hours of our time meandering about our keep after missions! Except, maybe to create more Blood-Lotus commemorative key-chains.

How can one appreciate the splendor of their home base, the custom thrones, drapes, and banners!? (Banners that often don’t actually appear physically when you change them, but are definitely/maybe there in spirit). How can you appreciate such decorative splendor if you are not needlessly running from one end of the keep to the other just so you can get the deets on Varic’s murder-boner for Red Lyrium, or Cassandra’s disdain for smiles. Hell, I don’t think I’d even know what my keep looked like if I wasn’t always checking to see if Vivienne or Iron Bull were ready to have sex with me yet. Spoiler alert: They aren’t!

DA_Vivienne

In the end, I really enjoyed my time with Dragon Age: Inquisition. The ability to stand in judgment over a distressed father that tried to save his sickly son at all costs, and then deciding to lobotomize him… Well that ladies and gentlemen, that is a singular experience that you just won’t get anywhere else. Add to this an orgy of romance options, and a patented Blood-Lotus crafting system, and well, there’s just no way anyone could say no to this game.

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Benjamin Jeanotte

Hi, I'm Ben. I am a 35 year old gaming veteran. My first console was a Mattel Intellivision(released 1981, purchased 1983) and I have owned at least one major console from every generation since. With thousands of titles behind me, I am a harsh and critical gamer who enjoys hating on games as much as loving them. — I am not just a writer for Techraptor, but a huge fan of it as well. You will probably see my comments on many articles, not just on MY articles, but others too. I look forward to having some glorious discussions and debates with you all.